


Sedona

by ZoePlacid



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Brain Trauma, Canon Compliant, F/F, F/M, Gen, Intentional Communities, Mentions of past abusive relationships, Misogynistic Slurs, Oral Sex, mother daughter relationships, or more or less canon compliant, post 5x03, there are two sexual relationships karen is having in this fic and they're not super healthy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-04
Updated: 2015-12-03
Packaged: 2018-03-29 02:25:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3878641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZoePlacid/pseuds/ZoePlacid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After leaving the South Side, Sheila drives her RV to visit Karen in Sedona.  Karen is recovering from the hit-and-run while living with Jody and Hymie in a modern intentional community (i.e. a sort-of commune).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’m terrible at summaries but this is told mostly from Karen’s perspective (maybe some Sheila perspective as well). It’s been about a year or so since Karen was hit by a car. She’s healing and figuring things out when Sheila arrives. She's also having two relationships with not-so-healthy people. Please read the tags for anything that might be a problem for you and if anything else crops up I'll be sure to add it.

It was July and one of the hottest days of the summer so far. Karen was trying to nap on the back porch--the window AC unit cranked up as high as it could go (but still only cooling the house to about 85 degrees)--when she heard knocking on the front door. She waited to hear Jody answer it, but nothing happened. The knocking resumed after a pause.

“Jody!” she yelled, “Get the door!” but there was no response. He must’ve taken Hymie out somewhere, although why he took the kid and left the house when it was 107 degrees outside was beyond her. She groaned, rolled off the couch, and slowly made her way through the darkened, blind-drawn house. It was probably Marie or Chandra from the Community out there and Karen had no desire to see either one of those nosy, interfering bitches but she knew from experience that if it _was_ them they’d pound on the door forever until it opened.

She turned the lock, pulled open the door, and instead of seeing anyone from the Community, she was greeted with the sight of her mother--hand still poised as if to knock again--large as life. Seeing her mother, combined with the outside heat that felt like the air from an oven, made her feel faint for a second.

“Karen?! Karen, sweetie! It’s me, Mom!” she exclaimed as though Karen wouldn’t recognize her. 

“Yeah…hi. Hi, Mom,” she said, her voice sounding blank and flat to her own ears.

“Oh!” her Mother shouted and then threw her arms around Karen, embracing her tightly. For a moment Karen didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been hugged or held like this. Ages ago, probably. She had a hazy memory, before the accident, of coming back to the white brick house on the South Side after being gone for months and her mother hugging her as tightly as this. That was probably the last time. Now, Karen seized up, nearly pulling away, but then she let herself be held. Her head tucked under her mother’s chin. They stay like this for a long moment, her mother rocking her back and forth slightly.

Pulling apart Karen saw tears in her mother’s eyes. Neither seemed to know what to do until Sheila gave a little laugh and said, “Well, we’re wasting your cold air and cooling the whole desert right now!”

“Oh, yeah, come in,” Karen offered and Sheila entered. As she did, Karen saw past her onto the street and noticed a humungous white RV parked in front of the house.

“Is that yours?” she asked.

“Yes!” her mom said gesturing to the RV, “I sold the house and bought that! Well, actually, the house blew up and _then_ I sold it--“

“Wait--what?”

“Oh, I know it was awful, but don’t worry! I’m _fine_. I bought this enormous vehicle and I hit the road and I decided right away that I wanted to come and see you!”

Like so many conversations with her mother, none of this was truly making sense to Karen, but she decided to just run with it.

“Great,” she said as she ushered Sheila into the house and closed the door behind them. Since all the blinds and curtains were drawn it was dark inside and it took a moment for their eyes to adjust after the bright sun outside. 

“In here, Mom,” Karen said and led her into the small kitchen. The ceiling fan was rotating sleepily above them and the refrigerator hummed softly. It was a tiny space but there was room for a small table and three rickety wooden chairs (plus Hymie’s high chair) and Karen said, “Have a seat. You want something to drink? Water or iced tea or something?”

“Oh, no, I’m fine. Well, maybe a little water, I guess.”

Karen took down two glasses from a cabinet and poured water into them from the Brita they kept in the fridge. Her hands shook a bit and she almost dropped the pitcher, but she did it. She brought the glasses to the table and sat with her mother. They both took a few sips of cold water. Karen was beginning to panic--she had nothing to say to her mom. What were they going to talk about? Why was her mother here? And for how long?

“So,” Karen hesitated, “Did you come to see Hymie?”

“I came to see both of you.”

Karen nodded, “Yeah, okay. But Mom--why didn’t you tell us you were coming?”

As soon as she asked this, she felt bad. Her mother looked nervous, as though Karen was about to turn her away. Sheila said in a rush, “I’m sorry, I just didn’t--I wasn’t sure if you’d say I could come and I really wanted to see you. All of you. I hear from Jody on the phone how you’re doing, but I…”

Karen hadn’t spoken to her mother for months. She let Jody do both the calling and the talking. He gave her mother updates on her progress. He’d hold the phone up to Hymie’s ear, too, and Karen could sometimes hear her mother singing to him--nonsense songs and nursery rhymes. Like the ones she sang to Karen long ago. Sheila always asked to speak to her, but Karen would plead tiredness or say her brain wasn’t working quite right just then. That was one good thing about a traumatic brain injury--it gave you a free pass to avoid things you didn’t want to do. 

Her mother was now absently spinning her glass on the table and speaking again, “Well, anyway, you seem _so much better_ , sweetie. I can’t believe it! I’m so glad.”

“Yeah, that’s what the doctors say.”

“How are you feeling?”

Karen shrugged. She knew objectively she was better. She could walk again for one thing. And she could remember much more. She knew where everything was kept in the house and she could take care of herself alone--heat up food on the stove or pour a glass of water. The medical staff at Verde Valley Hospital said that she’d made “great progress.” Once, when she was feeling particularly daring and Jody had stepped out of the room, she’d asked one of her doctors if he thought she would ever be able to finish a GED and go to college. Her doctor answered “probably” and then added, “We don’t know when, though. Could be a year from now, could be three years, could be five. Take it easy on yourself.”

That was the thing, while most people Karen met with on a day to day basis thought she seemed fine, they hadn’t known her before. They weren’t inside her brain. They didn’t see her fail the memory tests the doctors gave her. She used to be smart--she got straight ‘As’ for fuck’s sake. And, sure, now she could hold a conversation and usually remember what people told her, but when she tried to read some stupid magazine the words scrambled and one sentence didn’t flow into the next. And this was just shit stuff like _US Weekly_ ; she couldn’t even imagine trying to read a text book or a Shakespeare play like she once could. Jody had been nice and checked out a bunch of audio books at the library, thinking they might help her, but she hadn’t been able to concentrate on those, either. She even had a hard time watching TV. All she could do now was think, sleep, and help paint the pottery that the Community made to sell to tourists at art fairs.

So now she told her mother, “I’m better, but there’s still a lot wrong with my mind. I might not ever be what I was.”

“Well, you look _great_ and you’re talking to me and remembering everything. I’m just…so happy. So happy to be here with you and talking with you again.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

Sheila reached over and pressed Karen’s hand with her own and then released it. 

“So,” she said brightly, “Tell me about living here in Sedona!” But before Karen could answer, the door opened and Jody entered the kitchen, carrying Hymie in his arms and a diaper bag slung over his shoulder.

“What...” he said, “Sheils?”

And Sheila was already out of her chair and racing towards them, “Yes, it’s me! Hi, Jody! Hi, Hymie!” 

She lifted Hymie out of Jody’s arms and held him close to her chest. As tightly and gently as she had held Karen earlier. It made Karen’s heart ache a little to see them all together again. 

Jody looked past Sheila and Hymie to catch Karen’s eye. It seemed like he was asking her if this was all right. She shrugged at him. She didn’t know what was all right any more. 

Eventually they all ended up in the kitchen. Jody making fresh limeade and Sheila sitting at the table with Hymie on her lap. They looked happy, Karen thought. She sometimes wondered what was wrong with her that she couldn’t feel happy. She didn’t even know what it was supposed to feel like.

Jody asked Sheila all about her drive, and her new RV, and what happened with the explosion that had apparently destroyed Karen’s childhood home. As Karen listened to Sheila’s story she just thought, “Of fucking course, Frank was at the bottom of it somehow.” She’d never understood her mother’s penchant for taking care of walking disasters.

Jody echoed Karen’s thoughts, “Frank blew it up. Should’ve known. Why you ever let that guy into the house is beyond me.”

Sheila nodded, “I know. It’s just that he was always sort of…there, you know? And eventually nobody else was there except for him.”

Karen drew a line with her fingernail across the blue Mylar tablecloth. She drew circles and curly-cues. 

“You know, Sheils,” Jody was saying, “If you want, and if it’s okay with Karen, you could stay here. You could join the Community, even. They’re a bunch of great people and you’d fit right in.”

“Oh, I don’t know. I don’t want to intrude on the life you all have here--“ And again, there was that uncertainty in her mom’s voice. Something about it made Karen speak even though she wasn’t 100% sure she did want her mother around.

“Mom,” Karen interrupted, “You’re not intruding. Stay. If you want.”

Sheila gave her a good long look and whatever she saw seemed to decide for her. “Okay. I’ll stay. At least for a little while. And the good news is that since I have the RV you two don’t even have to put me up! I’ll just be in my own little house right on your street! Isn’t that fantastic, sweetie?”

Her enthusiasm was so achingly familiar that Karen laughed. As her mother sat there, with her usual bouncy hair and wearing a bright green t-shirt that read “I ATE THE WHOLE STATE AT NATE’S in TULSA, OK” Karen realized that she had missed her. Hadn’t even known it for months and months, but she had really missed her. 

*****

At about 8 o’clock that night they all left to have dinner at Jane and Joshua’s house. All the Community houses which were big enough took turns hosting dinner. Everyone had to bring something. Tonight Jody had made a big spinach salad. Sheila came with them and she had changed into the clothes Karen always associated her with, the more formal outfit of a knee-length skirt and blouse.

As Jody walked ahead, carrying the salad, Sheila held Hymie and asked Karen questions about the Community.

“So how many people live here?”

“About 35, I think.”

“And do you like them? Are they nice to you?”

“Eh. They’re okay, mostly.” She and Jody often bickered about how Karen didn’t like many of the people in the Community and how she should give them more of a chance. But she wasn’t a chance-giving person. And she couldn’t figure out why all of _them_ kept talking to her and trying to be her fucking friend all the time. Jody would often tell her how much nicer she had been when they first moved here (the time which she couldn’t remember) and that was why they were still interested in her.

“And you could be that nice, again, Karen!” He’d shout, as if she cared about being nice, “You have it in you. Just give these people a chance!”

“Oh, Christ. I had _brain trauma_ , Jody. I had the intelligence of a nerf ball. I would’ve thought Dick Cheney was a stand up guy.”

Objectively, Karen didn’t hate them. They were all a little pretentious (they _loved_ to talk about various communist theories) but at least they weren’t religious. Some of them practiced Buddhism, but that wasn’t everyone. Basically, where she, Jody, and Hymie had ended up was a place built around economic communalism. Every major decision was put to a community-wide vote. The only real rule was that if you joined, you gave all your money to the group, and then 80% of any money you later earned. Jody was working as a tattoo artist at a place in downtown Sedona and he hardly saw most of his money. It wasn’t such a bad deal, though. In exchange they got to live in this house. They were given a stipend for food and diapers and Karen’s medications. There was also a group health plan that they had put her on--even knowing that it would raise the whole group’s rates.

To make money for the Community most people did one of two jobs: made tofu in the industrial kitchen onsite to sell at health food stores, or made pottery in the art studio to sell at craft fairs. Karen chose the pottery making. She kind of liked it.

The downside was that they were out here on the edge of town, with nothing much to do, and the rest of the Community “liked” each other and loved to do crappy activities together like salsa dancing and taffy pulling. Karen participated every once in a while to get Jody to shut up, but she often wished she was anywhere but here. She couldn’t wait until she felt brave enough, and well enough, to walk the mile to the nearest bus stop and visit downtown on her own. Maybe go see a movie or go to a bar. Get drunk and fuck some stranger. Her boredom here had led her to make a few decisions she wasn’t sure about. There were two community members she was currently fucking and since they were always around in this “communal” environment things were far too complicated for Karen’s liking.

“Well, I’m excited to meet them,” her mom was saying. “I’ve heard so much about them on the phone from Jody.”

Karen nodded and gave her mother her best fake smile. 

Jane and Joshua Campbell’s house was sort of a bastardized version of a late Frank Lloyd Wright creation. It was all one level and built into a slight hillside. Joshua had designed it himself because he had studied to be an architect years ago. When they arrived tonight, the place was already filled with about 15 people. Not everyone came to dinner every night--it wasn’t mandatory and some people preferred to eat on their own every once in a while (or even most nights). Karen herself usually skipped communal meals and just had Jody bring her a plate of leftovers. This was why when they saw her everyone exclaimed, “Hey! Karen! You came to dinner.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she said with a tight smile, “Here I am. Woo hoo.”

Jody deposited the salad on the big dining room table and then took Hymie from Sheila’s arms. Everyone always wanted to coo over the baby so Jody took him around from group to group. Karen and Sheila stood awkwardly at the edge of the room. Karen knew she should take her mother around and introduce her to all these people but it suddenly seemed incredibly frightening. She had a feeling that she might not remember anyone’s name. Or even who they were. Sometimes her brain shorted out at the worst moments. Then Jane appeared out of nowhere wearing a blue checkered apron and looking perfect, as usual. Her brown hair neatly bobbed and her lipstick bright magenta (it suited her). She headed right towards Karen, kissed her on the cheek and asked, “And who is this lovely woman you’ve brought with you?”

“Oh, uh, Jane this is my mom, Sheila. And Mom, this is, uh, Jane--Jane Campbell.”

“You’re Karen’s mother? Well, I can see where she gets her good looks from.”

Sheila tittered and Karen had to restrain herself from rolling her eyes. Jane was now kissing her mother on the cheek and saying, “Welcome, Sheila. Welcome to the Arroyo de Soledad Community.” Karen really did roll her eyes at that because even though it was a commune, Jane always acted like it all belonged to her. She and Joshua had founded it fourteen years ago when they decided to leave Los Angeles and move to the desert. They had wanted to escape empty materialism. They had made the initial land purchase that the rest of the commune sat on. And even though everyone now owned it together _technically_ , Jane and Joshua were like the pigs in _Animal Farm_ \--a bit more equal than all the others.

“So, how long are you staying in Sedona, Sheila?” Jane was asking.

“Oh, I don’t know. At least a few weeks, I think,” her mother said with a side glance at Karen to make sure that was all right. Karen smiled.

“Wonderful!” Jane said, “You must go out to Cathedral Rock. _Especially_ at sunset.”

“Oh, that sounds lovely!”

As the two of them gushed about local scenery and Jane could do her favorite thing, which was tell other people what they should be doing and where and when, Karen glanced around the room. Everyone was chatting and smiling. Jody was holding Hymie and talking to Anna. Karen had a feeling lately that he was fucking Anna, but since it was none of her business she’d never asked him about it.

Now Jane was saying to her, “Karen, can you come with me to the kitchen? I need your help with the hors d’oeuvres.”

“Oh, I could help you, too,” Sheila offered, “I love to cook--“

“No, it’s your first night here! Stay and relax and get to know everyone. So, Karen? Follow me?” and she gestured to the kitchen. Karen followed her and left her mom behind. Once they passed through the kitchen door, Jane kept walking and Karen followed her into the small half-bathroom off the side of the kitchen. Jane closed the door and then breathed, “Kiss me,” because even in moments like this she liked to be dramatic as well as demanding. Karen stood on her tiptoes (Jane was 5’10”) and kissed her.

Karen had never been a big fan of kissing and with Jane it was no different. Jane always kissed too hard and too passionately--especially in stolen moments like this. Karen usually had the sense that for Jane it was _more_ about the moment than it was about Karen herself. Jane liked the forbidden-ness of it. The fact that everyone was out there in her house while she, a 43-year-old married woman was in a small half-bathroom kissing a 19-year old girl for all she was worth.

Jane pushed Karen against the sink and began to lift up her t-shirt while nuzzling her neck. What Jane lacked in kissing ability she made up for with her hands which were warm and dexterous and always left little traces of electricity in their wake as they moved over Karen’s body. She slowly skirted over Karen’s torso until she found her breasts--no bra tonight--and gently encircled her nipples, drawing them into sensitive peaks.

“Oh, fuck,” Karen gasped.

They made out for a few more excruciating moments until one of Jane’s hands began to slowly wend its way down to the waist band of Karen’s jeans. And then, just as Karen was starting to feel like this night wasn’t going to be all bad, they both heard a loud “Ding!” come from just outside the door in the kitchen. Jane pulled back, panting, “Shit. That’s the oven timer for the cheesy olives.”

Karen started laughing and couldn’t stop.

“Shhh, shh--you’re too loud--they’re going to hear you!” Jane said but she was laughing, too. She then pulled away and looked at herself in the mirror above the sink. Straightened her apron and patted her hair. Kissed Karen smack on the lips and said, “See you out there in the zoo!” and left.

Karen waited a while. Looked at her own reflection. Ever since the accident she never thought she looked “right”--whatever that meant. Maybe she was expecting, even unconsciously, to wear some sort of scar from the whole thing. But she had no scars on her face. Her hair covered the ones on her head now. It was cut short in sort of blonde pixie-ish style. It made her look innocent and young. Well, she supposed she _was_ young--although she’d never felt that way. And she hadn’t been innocent for years and years and years.

When she finally left the bathroom, she made her way back to the main room. Everyone was just sitting down to dinner. Karen chose a seat next to her mother who smiled at her and said, “Karen, sweetie, this young man, Adam, was just telling me all about how he raises his own chickens!”

“Oh, yeah, I know. It’s great, isn’t it?” Karen pretended. She half-listened to her mother and Adam have an increasingly boring and yet increasingly insane conversation about how you keep chickens in the middle of a desert in the summer without them roasting to death while watching Jane and Joshua move about the room. They sat on either end of the long table, but they never sat still for very long. They were both always leaping up to put something away or bring something back. Salt shakers. Vinegar cruets. Dinner rolls. Occasionally, one or the other would catch Karen’s eye as she studied them. Jane would always try not to smile. Once she even winked. Joshua on the other hand regarded her coolly. Like he was appraising her. He smiled at her once but it was one that didn’t meet his eyes. He was much better at hiding things than his wife was. Much less reckless.

After dinner there was coffee and pie. Karen had a piece of the blackberry. Her mother and Adam were _still_ talking about chickens. This was why she hated living here--no one ever shut up about the most boring minutia of their anti-establishment lives. There was another girl in the community, Thomasina, who was constantly spouting on about un-pasteurized milk. Thank god she wasn’t here tonight.

Finally, everyone started gathering their things and making their move to leave. As Joshua said good-bye to Jody and Sheila, Jane found a moment to whisper in Karen’s ear, “Come by tomorrow morning after 10, if you can. Joshua will be gone then.” Karen didn’t give her a yes or a no. She’d see how she felt tomorrow. Also, her mother’s arrival had complicated things. Joshua also gave her one of his significant looks--it was the one he used when he wanted to intimate that he needed her badly. He thought it was sexy, but it really wasn't. He just looked constipated.

By the time she, Jody, Hymie, and her mother left it was about 10 o’clock. The night air was fairly cool, finally, and out here on the edge of the town you could see some stars. They walked slowly down the street, glancing up at the night sky now and then.

Sheila said, “It’s so beautiful here.”

“Yeah, it is,” Jody answered. Hymie was asleep in his arms and the two of them seemed so peaceful together--like father and son. They looked like they fit. Life was strange--here was a half-Asian baby with Down’s Syndrome who should’ve gone to some rich adoptive parents on the North Side of Chicago and here was a 40-something sex addict tattoo artist who, let’s face it, was weird and not exactly the brightest tool in the shed. And yet, they belonged together. Jody was Hymie’s dad now. Even Karen could see that. And there were lots of other fathers and children in America who were actually related to one another who belonged to each other less than these two did. She had never belonged to her own father, for instance. 

When they reached her mother’s RV they all paused to say good night. Sheila kissed Hymie on the forehead and then turned to Karen and hugged her. Karen tried not to freeze in her mother’s arms--she tried to return the hug naturally. As they pulled apart her mother brushed a lock of hair out of Karen’s eyes lovingly. The gesture strangely made Karen want to cry.

“Well, my dears,” Sheila said with a hitch in her voice, “I’m so glad that I’m here and I love you all and I’ll see you all tomorrow!”

“Good night, Sheils.”

“Good night, Mom.”

And she climbed into the RV and shut the door. Karen, Jody, and Hymie walked to their front door. Once they were inside the house which still retained some of the oppressive heat from the day, Jody commented, “It’s good to have your mom here, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, it’s nice,” Karen replied. She could tell he wanted to say more--and wanted _her_ to say more. To talk about their day together. To talk about how nice the dinner was and what so-and-so had said. To form some kind of connection, even if it wasn’t sexual or conjugal. She and Jody had long since ended their marriage. Not on paper, but in every other way. A few months after arriving in Sedona, as they drove home from the hospital after one of Karen’s appointments, she’d announced, “Jody, I don’t want to sleep with you anymore.”

Jody had taken it surprisingly well. He’d just asked, “What--like no fucking? Or you just want separate beds? Or what?” 

“No fucking and no sleeping together. It’s just--I want nothing.”

“Do you want to move out? Because I’m not sure that’s a good idea--“

She'd wished she could move out but she knew he was right. She couldn’t take care of herself yet. So she answered, “No, we can live together but can it just be like we’re friends?” She didn’t really want to be friends with him, either, but it seemed like something nice to say to ease the harshness of what she was telling him.

Jody had thought for a long moment as they drove through the desert. Then he said, “Okay.” And that night Karen had moved to the back porch where she slept on the couch every night. Things were so much better after that. She no longer had to pretend to care. Jody took care of Hymie mostly, but as time went on Karen began to look after him a little, too. She never felt like his mother but he was an all right baby whom she didn’t mind babysitting.

But still, even with their separation, Jody wanted a connection--even if it was only friendship and Karen could never give him that. They were more like roommates than friends. So now she just told him, “Well, I’m going to bed. See you tomorrow.” And Jody said, “Yeah, tomorrow.” 

She walked through the house to the back porch. She changed into her pajamas, brushed her teeth, and laid down on the couch. She could hear Jody's muffled voice reading Hymie a bedtime story from two rooms away. There was a skylight above her here--it was one of the reasons she loved this room. She could watch the clouds passing by the stars and feel something. She wasn't sure what the emotion was--pain? loneliness?--but it was something. She held onto it until she fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning the sunlight streamed in and warmed Karen’s eyes. She blinked and looked around her screened-in porch. It constantly surprised her to wake up here. For months after she and Jody moved to Sedona when she awoke she’d be disconnected and confused for a minute. Maybe it was because of the accident and her brain working wrong, but it took her a long time to feel like she should be here instead of in her bedroom in her mother’s house on the South Side. Now when she woke up she wasn’t expecting Chicago, but she was expecting _someplace_ else. Where she should be she didn’t know. Some place other than here. 

She rolled off her couch and stumbled into the kitchen. Jody and Hymie were already awake (as usual) and Jody was spoon feeding Hymie some orange-ish baby food.

“Morning,” she mumbled.

“Morning,” Jody answered, “You sleep well?”

She shrugged, “That couch is always hell on my back.”

“We could switch, you know? You take the bed and I take the couch?” He was always offering to do this. Too damn nice.

“No, it’s fine. I like it out there.” And she did. She liked the skylight where she could see the stars, and the room felt…separate, if only a little, from the rest of the house. She liked to feel separate. And she belonged on the outside more than Jody did.

Hymie was waving his arms in a demand for more food and Jody went back to feeding him. Karen poured herself a glass of hemp milk and toasted a slice of bread. When the toast popped up she slathered strawberry jam all over it and ate it at the counter. There was a knock at the door and she assumed it was her mother. She opened the door and was surprised to see that it wasn’t Sheila, but Joshua. He hardly ever came to their house.

“Morning, Joshua.”

He grinned at her in a way she didn’t trust. He never looked quite right when he was happy--he only really looked natural wearing a scowl. But right now he was positively jubilant.

“Karen! I didn’t get a chance to speak with you last night--it was so good of you to make it to one of our dinners.”

“Yeah…well. Thanks for having me.”

He laughed as though she was joking and she asked him, “Do you want to come in and see Jody or--?”

“No, I was actually coming to see you.”

She raised her eyebrows at this. They never “saw” one another. It was part of their arrangement. He seemed to realize that he had overstepped some boundary because he put away his Cheshire cat grin and said in a lilting voice, “I have an invitation for you.”

“Yeah? What is it?” she asked warily. It had taken her long enough but she realized now he had come over this morning to proposition her. He was playing coy or whatever. This was his bizarre version of flirting.

“I have an important meeting today outside of Sedona. It would be great if you came along.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re a part of this Community. And I think you’d have fun.”

“Where is it?”

“It’s at a nature reserve about 45 minutes away. A beautiful place.”

She had no idea if this was some ruse or not. She didn’t know what his angle was--she never knew with him. She also knew that her mom had just arrived yesterday and if she were a good daughter she would stay at home and do something with Sheila and Hymie and Jody. That was what decided it for her.

“When are you leaving?”

“9 AM.”

It was 8 o’clock now. She nodded at Joshua, “All right. I’ll go with you. Come by and pick me up at 9.”

He smiled at her, saluted her with a pretentious flip of his hand, and left without another word. He was always such a freak.

She closed the door and re-entered the kitchen. Of course, because their house was miniscule, Jody had heard every word of the conversation.

“So you’re going somewhere with Joshua today?”

“Yeah.”

“But your mom just got here--I thought we could all visit a few of the energy vortexes.”

Karen rolled her eyes at Jody calling the rock formations “energy vortexes,” and she said, “It’s too hot for that today. It’s supposed to be 88 tomorrow, why don’t we go then?”

He shook his head at her and frowned. She placated him, “Look, I’ll be back by the afternoon and we can go into town for dinner, okay?”

Jody sighed, “Okay. But you should let your mom know you’ll be gone all day.”

“I was just about to do that anyway,” she huffed.

She took a quick shower, dressed, and left to knock on Sheila’s trailer. Her mother opened it quickly and when she saw Karen she jumped up and down and clapped her hands, “Oh, sweetie, come in!” And before Karen knew it she was being hauled up the steps and into the RV. Her mother closed the trailer door and gestured grandly at the tiny space, “Welcome to my new abode. Isn’t it fantastic?”

Karen blinked and looked around. It was much smaller on the inside than it appeared on the outside. Everything was cramped, but clean and sparkly. It had that new car smell--or “new trailer” smell. It was sterile, orderly, and impersonal--and all decorated in neutral gray and white. 

“It’s great, Mom,” Karen said, “Do you like it?”

“I LOVE it. Let me give you the grand tour,” and she began gesturing towards the front, “That’s the driver’s seat and the bathroom,” she said as she opened a door on the right and Karen saw into a tiny airplane-sized closet with a shower, sink, and toilet. Sheila closed the door and then pointed the other way, “And that’s the kitchen and the bedrooms!” The kitchen they were already standing in and Karen walked a few feet until she could peer into the door of a bedroom, which was just a box with a bed shoved into it.

“So?” Sheila asked, “What do you think?”

“It’s great.” Karen said again flatly. Sheila didn’t appear to notice Karen’s lack of enthusiasm and asked, “Would you like something to eat? I made drop biscuits this morning and I’ve got strawberry jam to go with them.”

Karen laughed because of course her mother had managed to make biscuits in this tiny, tiny kitchen. And she had strawberry jam which had always been Karen’s favorite. Sheila smiled like they shared an inside joke together and it was nice. She asked hopefully, “I know you’re probably busy today, sweetie, but if you’re free--would you like to do something together? Maybe visit one of the state parks?”

“Oh, uh, that’s why I came here--I’m sorry Mom, but I’ve got some other plans for today. But I should be back by 4 o’clock and I was thinking we could go out to dinner maybe?”

Her mother’s face fell for an instant but she gamely said, “Oh, oh sure! I know I just showed up here out of the blue yesterday so of course you have other plans.” Karen hadn’t before this morning of course. But she refused to feel guilty. She’d spend time with her mother tonight.

“Well, I’ll see you later then?” Karen asked as she moved quickly towards the door.

“Okay. Have a good day, sweetheart,” and Sheila pulled Karen into a hug and kissed the top of her head. Karen pulled away gently and gave her mother a wave good bye. And then she was stepping out of the trailer and feeling free. It was 8:55 AM and already 92 degrees outside. Joshua’s car was coming up the road. He pulled in front of her house and she hopped in. As she buckled her seat belt he commented, “You never keep me waiting. I like that.” She had no reply for that so she kept her mouth shut.

*****

Jane and Joshua’s car wasn’t really theirs--it belonged to the Community but they were the only ones who drove it. Joshua took it on Community business--making deals with local supermarkets to sell their tofu, making deals with local art galleries to sell their pottery. It was a Honda Fit--bright orange and ironically it never seemed to fit Jane or Joshua’s personalities. Karen would’ve figured them for some sort of staid beige or grey sedan. In their richer, pre-communal days, they’d probably owned a Lexus.

The drive was fairly long and for the first 15 minutes neither Joshua nor Karen said a word. It was growing hotter outside and the sun beat down on the car. The air conditioner was working overtime, spewing forth nonstop gusts of cool air. Karen watched the landscape reel past her window. She still couldn’t believe she had ended up here--in this desert, rocky place--so far from anything she had known. So far from anything she had ever wanted. It _was_ beautiful, though. She had to admit that. Huge red and orange rock formations that seemed like something unknown and significant. Scrubby green plants that proved this place was an oasis in a desert. Beautiful and strange. Nothing like the flat expanse of Illinois. Nothing like the endless cement sidewalks and streets of Chicago. 

Eventually Joshua said, “If you want to listen to the radio, feel free.”

She started pushing buttons. There weren’t many good stations around here so she settled for the local Top 40 pop one. Taylor Swift was singing about her blank space. 

“Do you actually like this?” Joshua asked. Karen shrugged, “It’s okay. There’s not much else on--the stations round here are crap.”

“The university station plays classical,” he mentioned as if this meant something.

“You said I could pick the music, so I’m picking this.” 

“Okay. You’re right. Sorry.”

“Blank Space” ended and segued into Eminem and Rihanna’s “The Monster” which made Karen smile internally because Joshua literally looked like the music was killing him. He gripped the steering wheel tighter and kept glancing at her with raised eyebrows as if to say, “Really? REALLY?” She stared impassively back and enjoyed the spectacle he was making.

Finally he couldn’t take it anymore and shut the radio off with a forceful push of a button, “My god, how do you stand that? It’s so repetitive and did he actually yodel at one point?”

“I like that song.”

“You like _that_?”

“Yes.”

“No, you just think you do because you’ve been indoctrinated into the cult of mediocrity that our culture worships. Listen, let me play you some _real_ music,” and he turned on the radio again, only this time he selected one of his pre-set stations: the KNAU Northern Arizona University classical one. Soft string quartet music instantly filled the car. Karen just sighed and turned away from him to stare out the window again. Sometimes Joshua could be so irritating that he made her want to kill them both in a weird murder-suicide. Maybe a mutual auto-erotic asphyxiation gone horribly wrong--if that was possible.

They drove the rest of the way in silence listening to Chopin and then Dvorak. Finally they turned off the main highway and made their way down a smaller road. Then they turned off that and onto a gravel road. 

“Where the hell are we going again?” Karen asked.

“You’ll see.”

She sighed, “Just fucking tell me.”

“You’re so impatient--don’t you like surprises?”

“No. I don’t.”

“Well, you’re in luck because there it is,” and he pointed to a sign they were passing. It read, “Kilimanjaro Safari Park.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” she asked, completely unimpressed.

“What? You don’t like it?”

“You’re taking me to the lame safari park?” 

“I told you, I have a meeting out here today. And I’ve never been and I thought it’d be something you might like.”

“Why would you think that?” she couldn’t fathom why someone like Joshua, who disdained all of Sedona’s tourists’ traps would think that she would enjoy it.

“You know--it’s animals,” he stated as if this meant something.

“Yeah--and?”

“It’s zebras and giraffes and things. Don’t you like that? I thought you would like that.”

“Why?”

“Don’t you remember how you used to go on and on about the cottontail rabbit that was coming into your yard? Jody started leaving out food for it and then it brought a bunch of its rabbit friends with it?”

Of fucking course. When she had been mentally dysfunctional apparently she had loved bunny rabbits and so now here they were. 

“I don’t remember that. I normally don’t give two shits about animals.”

“Oh. Okay. Sorry then.”

She sighed again, “It’s fine. Maybe this will be interesting? I don’t know--the tourists eat it up after all.” The safari park was extremely popular with the many visitors who came to town. (Although there was another new age contingent that advocated against it because they thought it was cruel to animals.)

Joshua kept driving until they reached a clearing that served as the parking lot. There weren’t many other cars, probably because it was so hot today. They left the car and Joshua led her to a clump of flat stucco buildings that looked like army barracks. One building had a sign that read, “Administrative Office,” and Joshua pushed open its door and they stepped inside. They were immediately met with artic air conditioning blowing from a huge wall unit placed. The “office” was a room filled with beat-up wood laminate desks. Only one of those desks was occupied. A woman was sitting at it and typing on a surprisingly new laptop. She raised her head as Joshua and Karen entered.

“Good morning, what can I help you with?”

“We’re here to see Craig. I have an appointment,” Joshua answered.

“Oh, of course. Have a seat and I’ll run and fetch him.”

After the woman left, Joshua sat in an old swivel chair in the waiting area near the door and Karen meandered around the room. It looked like at least six people worked here normally. It was a Thursday so Karen wondered where they all were. The empty space was filled with desks that were covered in stacks of papers and framed photographs of children. The photos and the emptiness of the room made Karen feel as though they had just stepped inside after a catastrophe with no survivors.

Joshua commented, “You shouldn’t mill around their desks like that. When the secretary comes back she’ll think you’re spying.”

Karen frowned at him, “So?”

He grimaced and gestured for her to return to where he was sitting. She did. She flopped onto a cracked leather sofa. She felt like a bratty child with Joshua most of the time. His patronizing attitude practically forced her to act immature--she often hated herself when she was with him.

A minute later the secretary returned with Craig. He was a big, burly guy in an Indiana Jones hat and a khaki vest. He looked like he was trying too hard to be in a Hemmingway story. He shouted heartily, “Joshua! Good to see you!”

Joshua stood up and they shook each other’s hands. 

“And who’s this lovely lady?” Craig asked Joshua.

Joshua turned and gave Karen a curt nod that implied, “Stand the fuck up and get the fuck over here.” Karen pulled herself off the couch and ambled over to them. Craig looked her up and down. She hadn’t been trying to be particularly attractive today--she was just in a tank top and shorts--but apparently it was enough to get a middle-aged guy like Craig going.

“This is Karen Jackson. She joined our Soledad Community last year.”

Craig shook her hand. His grip was hot and sweaty. He said, “Pleased to meet you. Where d’ ya hail from originally?”

“Chicago.”

“Ah, the Windy City!” he exclaimed as if he were the first person to think of this nickname.

“Yep.”

“Never been there except for stopovers at O’Hare. I hear it’s nice, though. People say _nothing_ but good things about Chicago,” He said this in a tone as if all those people were lying.

She nodded. What could anyone say to that?

“Anyway, Craig, let’s go out and look at the property…” Joshua was saying as they all walked outside and headed for a golf cart. 

Craig drove them around the “nature park” which was filled with animals from Africa and Asia. He didn’t stop for any reason but as they passed things he would wave his arm in broad gestures and shout, “That’s where the zebras are!” or “The lion pen is over there!” And in between these exclamations he and Joshua talked business. It was all supremely boring but from what Karen could make out whenever she caught a snatch of conversation, the Soledad Community owned some property adjacent to Craig’s that Joshua and Jane had bought years ago and Craig wanted to build an “environment” for some camels. Joshua was trying to get the best price for it.

They drove around in the heat for what felt like forever. Karen had brought a water bottle with her and she drained it after an hour. The entire park bothered Karen. There were so many animals from places thousands and thousands of miles away and they ended up here to entice money from tourists. They lived in huge pens sure--but a pen was still a cage. And it felt wrong to see zebras separated from tigers by only a few sections of wire--all looking extremely bored. She wondered if any of the animals were happy. If any of them had been born in the wild. 

She was reminded again and again of why she had always hated zoos. Back when she was about eight, when her mother had still been able to leave the house sometimes, her parents had taken her to Lincoln Park Zoo. It had been a bad idea (probably her father’s) because Sheila wasn’t able to deal with anything normally. She started crying and shaking in the monkey house and Eddie just kept shouting at her in his exasperated ‘how do I put up with this day after day?’ voice, “They’re in cages, Sheila! They can’t hurt you!” and Sheila ended up spending the rest of the day waiting on a bench outside of the River Otter pool.

Anyway, that meant that Karen and her father had walked around by themselves together for an hour or so. She liked this at first because she rarely spent time with him alone. He bought her cotton candy and let her pick which animals to visit.

They saw a gorilla that seemed sad--it stared at the visitors through the thick sheet of clear plastic that formed its cage. It didn’t seem like an animal--it looked like a furry person to Karen. And it looked more depressed than anybody she had ever met. Then they saw lions that just lay there underneath a tree not doing much. And then they saw the tiger. It was in a fairly large environment but it just paced all around its perimeter over and over.

Karen asked, “Daddy, what’s it doing?”

“Not sure. Maybe staking out the area? Hunting?”

But Karen thought the tiger was smarter than that--it knew that this place wasn’t real. That there was nothing to hunt here. It was just supremely bored, lonely, and going crazy with it. Watching that tiger walk in circles made her feel like this entire zoo was a torture chamber for the animals and she wanted to leave and never come back. And they never did--not because she told her parents how the zoo made her feel, but because by the time Karen was 10 her mother wasn’t able to leave the house anymore and her dad never took her anywhere any more.

Anyway she hated this so-called nature park, too. She hated Craig. She hated Joshua. She hated all the tourists in capris pants and baseball caps, sweating like hogs. She hated the world that took a beautiful place in Arizona and said that this beauty wasn’t enough. It had to add a bunch of animals from ten thousand miles away to it, too.

Eventually they returned to the office building. Craig gave Joshua some papers that he placed in his satchel and finally it was time to go. Before they hit the road Joshua had to use the restroom and when he was gone Craig put a beefy arm around Karen’s shoulder and said in a low, hard voice, “You ever want to come back here--just let me know. Any friend of Joshua gets in free for life--bring a girlfriend or come alone and I’ll give you a private tour, all right?”

She smiled and tried not to show him how uncomfortable he made her. Joshua then returned and Craig let his arm drop away.

Karen and Joshua climbed back into the Honda and drove away. 

“Your friend is creepy,” she said as they pulled out of the clearing and she could still see Craig standing near the buildings watching them leave.

“Who? Craig? He’s not creepy.”

“No, he is.”

Joshua shook his head at her laughed--he seemed to think this was her idea of a joke. As they turned away from the safari park and onto the dirt road that lead back to the highway, Joshua stopped the car. There was no one around so Karen turned to him, puzzled, “What’s up? Why are we stopped?”

He rubbed the back of his neck and looked sheepish--a blush was steadily creeping up his face. He bowed his head and said while staring at the steering wheel, “Well, see I’ve always had this fantasy…”

Oh, so that’s what this was. Some sex thing. She and Joshua had had sex about half a dozen times but every time he was like this--hesitant. She waited for him to spit out whatever it was. Eventually he said, “And that meeting just went really well for me--you’re like a lucky charm--so…” And he stopped talking and looked uncomfortable.

“So?”

“So I’m feeling amazing and I thought there might be something we could try.”

“What’s that?”

He glanced at her and then glanced away, “Could you, uh, blow me while I’m driving?”

She laughed, “That’s it? That’s your big adventure?”

“There’s nobody around on this road--it’d be strictly safe--and...” He trailed off again.

“Jesus, what?” she prompted, irritated.

“And I’d buy you lunch. Afterwards. You name the place,” he said this with a rueful smile as if he were making some kind of charming witticism. Maybe he was.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” he asked, turning to her with a disbelieving look.

“Yeah, start driving.”

“You’re serious?”

“You just asked me to blow you and I said yes and now you’re asking if I’m serious?”

“Well, I was kind of joking.”

“No, you weren’t.”

They stared at each other for a moment--neither one making a move or losing their poker face. She cracked first, “Look. You want this and it’s no big deal. I’ve sucked guys off in cars lots of times.”

“Really?”

“Yes. This is tame shit for me; don’t worry,” _You’re tame shit _she wanted to add but didn’t.__

__He chuckled nervously and put the car in drive again. Karen grabbed the lever that pushed her seat all the way back to give her some room, then unbuckled her seat belt and scooted so that she was crouched down on the floor facing him at an angle. She ran her hands lightly over his khaki pants. It didn’t take him long to start getting hard and she pulled his zipper down. He was barely giving the car any gas but when she began stroking him through his boxers the car sped up like he had slipped on the pedal. She giggled. She contorted her body and pulled a hand away to turn on the radio and selected 102.9--the pop station. Sia’s “Elastic Heart” filled the car. Karen turned it up loud and didn’t even glance at Joshua to see if it was all right with him._ _

__She gently pulled his cock out, circled her thumb lightly over the head, enjoyed his shudder, and then looked up at him as she said, “Don’t crash, okay?” and then leaned over, bent down, and took him into her mouth._ _

__Karen had always loved sex and she especially loved blow jobs. More than anything else it shut down everything bad in her brain. It was what yoga or meditation must be like for other people--because it was just her. No thoughts, no anguish--just her. Her mouth, her hands, her actions--turning some man into a stuttering mess._ _

__She licked a stripe of saliva along the underside of his dick. Joshua had a nice one--straight with a slight curve, pink, and about seven inches. He always tasted good, too. Like recently-showered skin with a faint whiff of coconut oil. One of the things that Karen loved was that he and Jane had skin that tasted nearly the same--she had mentioned this once to Jane and Jane said it was because they used the same soap. The difference between them was the actual subtle smell of their individual bodies, buried deep within their skin._ _

__She kept going, licking and sucking, up and down, until her saliva coated his dick, slicking it up as she used her hand to extend her reach. It was probably the added danger of the car, but Joshua was grunting and shuddering in no time at all. The car bounced along the road and as Karen was kneeling on the floorboard she felt every vibration and bump in her bones._ _

__She pulled her mouth off him with a little wet ‘pop’ sound and she leaned back in to circle her tongue over the sensitive area on the underside just below the tip. Joshua gasped, “Shit! Shit!” and Karen smiled and kissed that same spot gently. Joshua yelled, “Karen, shit! Stop! There’s another car coming down the road.”_ _

__But she didn’t want to stop. She leaned down and engulfed him as far as she could, made a seal with her lips and then pulled up. Just as her lips broke free, his body tightened up and then he spurted all over her face. He grunted hoarsely and then the car swerved a little, throwing Karen on the floor back to her side of the car. The car bounced and Joshua hit the brakes hard. Karen banged her head against the glove compartment and swore. The car came to a skittering stop. And then it was just the two of them in a stalled car, breathing deeply as the radio station began to play “Dear Future Husband.” Karen laughed as she wiped come off her chin and cheek. Joshua just stared out the window like he’d had a near death experience._ _

__“I fucking hate this song,” she grumbled but he said nothing. “Are you okay?” she asked._ _

__He shook his head. She was beginning to get irritated, “Well, are you going to help me up or what?” He reached a hand down to pull her up so that she was kneeling on the passenger seat instead of the floor. That’s when she looked out the window and realized that they had gone off the road. They were in a dry dirt field and the road was 15 feet to the left of them. She began to laugh even harder._ _

__“You need work on your driving skills,” she said._ _

__He turned to her then, and glared, but as he put the car back into drive and steered out of the field and back onto the road he seemed to reappraise the situation. After a moment he grinned at her and noted, “We almost got killed.”_ _

__“No, we didn’t. You just freaked out.”_ _

__“Put your seat belt on,” he ordered._ _

__“Sure--safety first.” And he shot her a look again as she unwrapped her legs and sat normally, pulling her seat belt back on._ _

__After they made it back onto the road they didn’t say anything for a while. Then, abruptly, Joshua turned the radio off and said, “That was--that was one of the most memorable experiences of my life.”_ _

__“Okay.”_ _

__“That was like--danger and pleasure and such intense feeling. I’ve never felt anything like that before.”_ _

__“Okay.”_ _

__“Did you feel anything? Did it mean anything to you? Anything at all?”_ _

__She shrugged. She knew he wanted her to say it did, but she didn’t feel like lying, “It was kind of fun?”_ _

__He shook his head, “You’re a strange girl, Karen.”_ _

__Maybe he didn’t know how these words sounded. She bit her lip and looked out the window away from him. She wanted to say something angry and horrible. She wanted to cry. She felt like screaming at him that if she was so strange then what did that make him? Why was she always the one with something wrong with her? Why wasn’t it ever _him_? She said nothing, though, because she didn’t want him to know how much his words hurt her._ _

__*****_ _

__Although Joshua offered again to buy her lunch, anywhere she wanted, she just asked him to take her home. When he pulled in front of her house, he put the car in park and turned to her._ _

__“I’m sorry,” he said._ _

__“For what?”_ _

__“For expecting things from you that you can’t give.”_ _

__She sighed and undid her seatbelt in a move to get out of the car. Joshua put his hand on her thigh, “Hey,” he said._ _

__She lifted her eyebrows, “What?”_ _

__“Are we all right?”_ _

__She shrugged, “Sure.”_ _

__He glanced out the windows to see if anybody was on the street and seeing that it was empty he leaned over and quickly kissed her on the lips._ _

__“See you later?”_ _

__“Yeah. Okay,” and she exited the car. As she passed her mother’s RV and walked across the yard to her door she looked down and saw that her knees were red and bruised from bouncing on the car floor. Her head hurt too from where she banged it on the dashboard. Oh, well, at least it had been kind of fun at the time. She never regretted sex--she only regretted who she had sex with. It was like wishing all the calories you had eaten were from a freshly-baked blueberry pie instead of stale graham crackers._ _

__*****_ _

__That evening Karen and Sheila went to dinner alone. Jody was tired and he said the two of them should catch up together anyway. He would watch Hymie. Karen couldn’t pinpoint why but being alone with her mother made her nervous._ _

__Sheila drove them into town in the old station wagon that Jody usually used. It belonged to the Community but nobody else ever wanted to drive it. It was blue and rusting and smelled like a wet dog. It worked, though, which was important. Jody loved it. He had never had a car before--only motorcycles. Sometimes when Hymie was crying in the middle of the night Jody would strap him into his car seat and drive them all around Sedona with the windows rolled down. Even though he grumbled about being awake in the middle of the night Karen could tell he kind of loved it. He’d tell her sometimes about how beautiful the town and the scenery was at 3 AM--how quiet, how “resonant.”_ _

__Sheila and Karen chose a restaurant in the middle of town that seemed to have mostly American food like steak and salmon. It was a nice place--a fancy place--and Karen asked her mother, “Are you sure you can afford this?” and Sheila said, “Oh, honey, let’s splurge this one time.”_ _

__The restaurant had a stone fireplace and a man playing soft, Spanish guitar in one corner. Most of the other people in the place appeared to be couples--Karen guessed this was the “romance” spot in town. The date night location. She thought it was funny to be here with her mother but Sheila didn’t notice that they were odd women out. She just kept looking at the menu and exclaiming, “Wow, look at that Karen--free-range chicken!” or “Wild caught salmon!”_ _

__When their waitress came to take their orders Sheila ended up getting almond crusted whitefish and Karen just asked for a Caesar salad. Neither ordered a drink. Karen knew that her mother probably didn’t want to mix anything with her anti-anxiety meds--especially since she was driving (how weird was that? Her mother _driving_. All those years when she couldn’t even leave the house--all those times when Karen smiled and lied and said it was fine when Sheila couldn’t go to her ballet recital or the spelling bee. In eighth grade they had to learn about the constitution and then there had been a “constitution bee.” Karen had won the prelim round at her school and then went on to compete against other middle schools in the district. She had come in 4th place. None of her family had been there. And now here her mother was. Driving. Visiting her from hundreds of miles away.)_ _

__When their food arrived Sheila took a bite of the fish and closed her eyes in bliss, “This. Is. Yummy.”_ _

__Karen smiled, nodded, and ate her Caesar salad. It was good. But it was still just a Caesar salad--nothing transcendent._ _

__They didn’t say much as they ate. Every so often Sheila would pause and say how nice everything was. How great the food was. How terrific the guitar player sounded. How nice it was to be here with Karen. Et. cetera, etc. Karen agreed. After they had each finished but before the bus boy cleared their plates there was a long, long silence. And finally Sheila said, “Karen, honey, there’s something I want to talk to you about.”_ _

__Karen nodded and felt unaccountably nervous._ _

__“I saw you today,” Sheila said eventually._ _

__“Okay?” Karen replied, confused. “I saw you, too. I’m seeing you now.”_ _

__“No. I _saw_ you, honey. When that man--Joshua--when he dropped you off. I saw you two in the car.”_ _

__Karen tried to run over what had happened in the car. Not much, she thought. They had just talked, hadn’t they? Said goodbye?_ _

__“He kissed you and it just seemed like there might be something going on. And Karen--he’s married. I mean, his wife was so nice last night and she seems to like you a lot and I just--“_ _

__Karen started laughing and her mother reached across the table to grip her hand and asked, “Sweetie? Are you all right?”_ _

__Karen laughed and shook her head. She took a deep breath and tried to calm down. But she kept laughing when she thought of what her mother had said. And the concerned look in her mother’s eyes right now was just too funny._ _

__Eventually Karen quieted herself and took a sip of water, “Don’t worry about that, Mom.”_ _

__“What do you mean? Are you not seeing that man?”_ _

__“I mean…you don’t have to worry about it.”_ _

__“So you’re not sleeping with him?”_ _

__“Oh, no. I am. But his wife--Jane--knows about it. I’m sleeping with her, too.”_ _

__“Oh. _Oh_.” Her mother’s face almost made Karen laugh. It was so shocked. How was she still able to shock her mother now, after everything?_ _

__Karen smiled sweetly, “So see? Everything is fine.” Karen neglected to tell her mother that while Jane definitely knew about Karen fucking Joshua, Joshua knew nothing about her and Jane. But it was none of her mother’s business anyway. Karen resented the intrusion._ _

__Her mother said slowly, “I don’t really understand. Is this fine? Are you okay? This seems like too much of a…situation. Especially for someone recovering from a horrible accident.”_ _

__Karen suddenly felt very angry. Her mother always assumed she was something she wasn’t. Fragile. Delicate. Misguided. She practically yelled, “I’m an adult, Mom. And I’ve dealt with a lot of shit. Christ, I had to take care of _you_ for years and years. I can take care of myself. I always have.”_ _

__Sheila winced and then pressed a painful smile onto her face. The same smile that usually signaled she was about to cry and Karen began to feel guilty._ _

__Her mother didn’t cry, however. She only said sadly, “You’re so young, sweetie. You don’t even know how young you are. And you’ve been through so much in the last few years. I know I haven’t always been there for you but I’m trying to be now. And I don’t think these people should be taking advantage of you--”_ _

__Karen sucked in her breath, “Since when does anyone take advantage of me? I like sex--and there’s fuck all to do around here--so…yeah. I fuck them. That’s it. I’m not expecting anything from them…and I do what I want.”_ _

__Her mother nodded, but it seemed like she was pacifying Karen so she added, “I can’t live my life the way you want me to. I can’t be the good girl with the husband and the baby. That’s not who I am. I’m not good, Mom. I’m not nice. I’m just not.”_ _

__Her mother pursed her lips thoughtfully and seemed to come to some sort of a decision._ _

__“I don’t think you know who you are yet, Karen,” she said softly._ _

__Karen didn’t have a response to that so she said nothing. The sounds of the restaurant filled the pause. The Spanish guitar player plucked at his strings. The flames in the fireplace cracked and broke apart a few wooden logs. The couples’ voices murmured. Metal flatware clinked against ceramic plates._ _

__The truth was that her mother was right. Karen didn’t know who she was. It terrified her. And it wasn’t because she was young. And it wasn’t because she was recovering from a brain injury. She had felt unknown her whole life. She just _wasn’t_ anyone. Other people had substance. Other people took up space. Karen had always felt like a weak outline of a person. She was known by the things she did. The people she’d fucked. The people she’d hurt. But inside herself--hidden and deep--her secret was that she was nothing. _ _

__The busboy came and removed their empty plates. The waitress came and offered them dessert._ _

__“Do you want anything, sweetie? Red velvet cake? Pear crisp?”_ _

__“No. I’m full, Mom.”_ _

__Her mother got the check and they left. On the drive back Karen could tell Sheila felt bad for the change in mood. She said to Karen apologetically, “I don’t believe you’re doing anything wrong, only that you should maybe rethink things. You’ve got a good situation here with Jody and Hymie. You have that great little house and all the people in this commune seem so _nice_ and they all like you so much. I just think maybe you should avoid getting messed up in a marital contretemps, you know, sweetie?”_ _

__Karen kept silent. She watched the shadowy landscape zoom by her window. She agreed with Jody, she loved Sedona at night._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken so long!


	3. Chapter 3

Karen lay on her couch on the back porch. She couldn’t sleep. This started happening to her after the accident. Before the car hit her--all during her past life--she had been able to sleep anytime, anywhere. “Karen, honey, you sleep like a log!” her mother would joke when she tried to wake her up for school. Now it was more difficult. It started when she had to go off the pain meds. That had been a terrible time when she hadn’t been able to sleep at all. If she had been in her right mind and capable of going into town she would’ve found the local Vicodin and Oxy dealer--continued to pop pills. But as it was, she was barely able to leave the house back then. Her memories were vague and pieced together--she often woke up not knowing where she was. It had been horrible--an almost constant state of panic. Of knowing something was wrong with her but having no way of naming it. She cried all the time back then. She remembered the crying. And Jody watching her with a concerned look on his face. And Hymie having no idea about anything and smiling at her. She knew that she in some way she had let Hymie down but she couldn’t remember _how_. He was simply a baby she felt guilty about.

Things were a little better now, thank god. She knew where she was and why. She knew Hymie was the baby she shouldn’t have had. That had been her crime. She never should’ve had him--he didn’t deserve her as a mother. _A mother_. What a fucking joke. Poor kid. She couldn’t love him but she did feel sorry for him for being stuck with her. 

But even though her mind was better now she still couldn’t sleep well. She hated these nights when she lay awake for hours. It always seemed to circle back to her cataloging her defects. A never ending list. What would she do differently? Nothing. There was nothing she could’ve done differently. What she wished was that _she_ had been different. She wished she was someone who could love people. Someone who hadn't run away. Someone who was in college now somewhere--who hadn’t been dumb enough to get pregnant and then marry a nice-guy dweeb 20 years older than her. Someone who hadn’t ached so hard for so long because her dipshit father didn't love her. Someone who hadn't been hit by a car and was now half-brain dead. Someone who didn’t get involved in a weird thing with a married couple because she was bored. Someone who could be good to her mother. Who didn’t resent her mother for being mentally ill. For being too nice. For trying too hard.

Someone different. Always someone different. Someone not her. 

There was a tapping sound on the porch and Karen turned to her right--startled--and saw Jane Campbell standing at the window.

Karen went over to the window and opened it. She whispered through the window screen, “What do you want?”

Jane whispered back, sounding breathless and excited, “You up for going to the Merry-Go-Round?”

 

*****

 

They drove out in the Honda Fit, the windows all rolled down, going far beyond the speed limit. The farther they flew from the city the fewer cars they saw until theirs was the only one on the road--sleek and quiet--cornering tight on the fast turns and speeding through the landscape. Jane liked to drive fast and in silence--unlike Joshua she never turned on the radio. Karen liked the silence, too. She always felt like nothing bad could happen to her on these drives--like she was impermeable--and she wished sometimes that the drive would go on forever--even though she was also looking forward to the destination. (No destination could ever be as good as this--this pure black oblivion--tearing through the world and never quite a part of it.)

The Honda's headlights swept across the road illuminating the 30 feet in front of them and the rest was darkness. The moon was a sliver. The wind rushed in through all the windows cooling Karen’s skin. She ran her fingers through her short hair. She watched Jane's leg as she hit the gas pedal through the straight lines and tapped the brake through the curves. 

Jane often took her somewhere different--but tonight she drove to a spot they had been to before. She had called it the Merry-Go-Round and Karen recognized it. Or at least she thought she did. 

They pulled off the road and Jane parked in a gravelly parking area, near signs that proclaimed, “Merry-Go-Round Rock ahead.” 

“You remember this?” Jane asked as they stepped out of the car and Jane beeped her key to lock it.

“Sort of.”

Jane laughed, “I took you here that first night.”

Oh, so that was it. Karen didn’t remember it very clearly--it had been several months ago. She had gone to the Campbell’s house one evening to fuck Joshua. He had said Jane would be out. But afterwards, when Karen had stepped out the back door to sneak through the Campbells’ back yard to avoid anyone spotting her, there was Jane. Reclining in a lawn chair, staring straight at her.

Karen didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t think of the right words. There were no right words. So she forced a tight smile and was about to keep walking--hoping to hell that this wouldn’t have any bullshit repercussions when Jane said, “You want to go for a drive?”

“Uh, I should get back--Jody and Hymie…” But she couldn’t finish that sentence--what about Jody and Hymie? What should she say? Did Jane want to _talk_ to her? Make her feel guilty? Remind her that she was ruining a marriage? Being a slut?

“I’m not angry, you know,” Jane said.

Karen laughed awkwardly.

"I'm _not_ ,” Jane insisted, “I just want to get the hell away from here.”

“With me?”

“Yeah. C’mon. I know a place.”

Even though Karen had a feeling that she was about to be murdered, she felt kind of curious about it. What would Jane do? What would Jane say? Self-destruction had always been attractive to her. It was fascinating--what would hurt and what wouldn't. She could never guess until it happened. So she managed to respond, “All right.”

Jane looked surprised for a moment that she had said yes, but then she grinned, “Great. Let’s go.”

And they had driven out to this same flat overlook in the desert. It was made of red rock and was circular—like a rocky dance floor set high above the surrounding land.

Karen only remembered two other moments from that night. The beginning part of the drive--which was just as fast , black, and dangerous as tonight’s had been--and then later--Jane holding her hand as she tugged Karen along a slickrock path until they were standing on the flat circle overlooking the canyon.

Jane had pointed upwards and said, “See?” And there were no clouds in the dark sky. And the lights of Sedona were down in the valley--distant and twinkly--and the stars were so bright, they looked closer than Karen had ever seen them before. They reminded her of the Lite-Brite she had when she was a kid.

Karen had said, “Wow,” and started crying. That was another side-effect of the car accident. She cried much more.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, it’s just--“ but she didn’t know how to put her feeling into words. It was sadness. It was realizing that the stars and the universe were here. _Had always been here_ and she was only just now seeing them. And wondering if she really belonged to them. If anyone did.

Jane said, “I know. It’s overwhelming, isn’t it?”

Karen nodded.

They sat on the red and grey stone, a few inches apart. It felt softly rough against Karen’s skin. They leaned back on their elbows and watched the sky--listened to the wind. Occasionally they could hear a car drive by on the road--sounding far away.

Eventually Karen said, “I’m sorry about Joshua. It won’t happen again.”

“It could. I don’t care.”

“You don’t--“

“Karen, sweetie, this is a commune. Sure, not everyone here is about free love--but we’re also not super conventional, you know? Sleep with him, don’t sleep with him--I don’t care, except I think maybe you should be more careful for your own sake.”

“Careful?”

“It wasn’t so long ago that you were constantly asking where you were--we’d say Sedona or the Community over and over again but it never seemed to stick. You kept wondering where your mom was. You kept asking if you could go back to Chicago. You were delicate. You're _still_ delicate. And Joshua…he’s more--he’s more about taking than nurturing, you know?”

Karen didn’t know. Joshua didn’t seem like anything to her--a taker or a nurturer--he was just a guy. He’d wanted her and she could sense it so she made it obvious that they could have sex. And then they did. It had felt good--for the first time since before the accident she felt like herself again. She remembered riding him and feeling her orgasm coming on and she felt…normal. She could still have sex. She could still make a decision that had nothing to do with Jody or her doctors or her recovery. She could still do something _wrong_ , stupid, and reckless. It had felt like coming home.

“I’m not really delicate, you know? You think I’m sweet because I’m brain damaged or whatever--but that’s--I mean, I stopped counting how many people I slept with when I hit triple digits.”

She could see Jane lift an eyebrow in the starlight, “Triple digits? Really?”

Karen shrugged.

“And…people…not just men?”

Karen snorted, “Not just men. And not just one at a time, either. And not just--“

But she stopped bragging when Jane reached out a hand and turned Karen's palm up. She traced Karen's life line back and forth with two soft fingertips.

Karen looked down at their hands and then into Jane’s eyes, which were dark. They both paused like that, just staring at each other, until Jane leaned hesitantly towards her. Karen gave a brief nod at Jane's silent question and then they were kissing. Jane kissed her hard--which Karen learned later was the way she always kissed. Hard and bruising.

It was funny but now Karen couldn’t remember what had happened after that kiss. They had probably gotten each other off in some way, but she had no memory of it. The last thing she remembered about that night was how the rock scratched her thighs as they moved towards each other and then there was an old-fashioned advertiser’s voice booming in her imagination--making her laugh internally. The voice exclaimed, “You too can have a husband and wife in one night! A matched pair. A select set! Buy one, get one free!”

 

*****

 

And so now they were back here. Jane holding her hand again as they walked on the flat, pitted rock that overlooked the canyon and which seemed so close to the stars. Jane brought a blanket this time. She unfurled it and they both laid down, side by side.

They put their hands behind their heads and stared up at the night sky. They were silent for a while and then Karen asked, “So what happened that night, anyway?”

“What night?”

“The night we first came here--what happened?”

“You don’t remember?” Jane said, turning her body on its side to look at Karen instead of the stars.

“Well, I remember most of it--I just don’t remember what exactly we did after you kissed me--“

“You really don’t remember?” She sounded concerned. Or hurt. Karen felt a little guilty.

“No, I remember--“

“I didn’t know you still couldn’t remember things back then. I shouldn’t have--“

“It’s fine. I’m sure I wanted it--whatever it was. I know I did.”

Jane bit her lip and said, “I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry. I’m a monster.”

“Chill out--you’re not anything.”

“Do you remember things now? Like the stuff we do?”

“Yeah. Of course. My memory is a million times better than it was. And just because I can’t remember it doesn’t mean I didn’t want it, you know? I mean, should I not have what I want _now_ because I won’t know I wanted it _later_?”

“You sound like a philosopher. Have you been attending Life Study?”

The Community had several book/discussion clubs--Life Study was what they called the philosophy one. The people in that group read ancient Greek texts and Karen would need to have her head bludgeoned yet again before she would ever join it.

“Uh, no.”

“You should give it a try sometime--I used to go but then I needed a break from contemplating human existence for a while. Sometimes it’s better to not think--to just move from one action to another.”

Karen nodded. This was her philosophy all the time, actually.

Karen asked again, "So what did we do, that night?" She could never let it go--the things she couldn't remember. She was constantly asking Jody questions--wanting him to describe the blank, erased days. It was eerie to lose time. To know that you had existed in the world. That you had had thoughts, and performed actions, and said things and fucked people without remembered them. Being alive but not remembering it—it might as well have been death.

Jane now began describing what they did that night in a low, soft voice. "Well, we kissed for long time." And Jane moved closer until she was above Karen on the blanket. For once, she kissed Karen gently--with little moth-like flutters against her lips. "Then you unzipped my jeans and you put your hand on me like this--" And Jane mimicked Karen's actions by unbuttoning Karen's shorts and slipping her hand inside Karen's underwear--her soft hand cool from the night air. "And then you started doing this--" And then Jane began massaging Karen's clit, making Karen's breath huff, before moving away to draw light, feathery circles all around her labia. She teased Karen for a long time before Karen had enough and abruptly sat up, Making Jane laugh and then they were tugging off clothes and their hands were everywhere and then Jane held Karen down on the hard rock while she ate her out and it was pretty fucking glorious.

 

*****

 

Afterwards, they pulled their clothes back on (too cold in the desert at night) and continued to gaze at the sky. Jane said, "You make me happy, you know that? You make me feel happier than I've felt in years. Joshua never makes me happy anymore."

Karen didn't know what to say to that--she had never made anyone happy in her entire life. She didn't trust it. She didn't believe it. She said nothing. Jane seemed less happy, then, as she waited for words from Karen which weren't going to come. 

Jane spoke again with an irritated tremor in her voice, "Sometimes I think I should leave him."

"What? Why?" Karen had never heard Jane speak like this about Joshua--so bitter and hard. She hadn't known they weren't both satisfied with the way things were.

"He's not good for me. He's so fucking selfish," and then Jane was off--listing Joshua's bad qualities and all the ways he didn't care for her, or for anybody else, but himself. Karen felt at sea. Of course Joshua was a selfish bastard--but she wasn't sure how this made him different from most of humanity. (Or from Jane.) Karen preferred selfish people--they were easier to understand. So she listened to Jane for what felt like hours and said little in return. 

"What do you think of him?" Jane asked her eventually, "How does he treat you?" 

"I--uh--he's okay, I guess." She had never thought of herself as unsophisticated but discussing the man she was currently fucking with his wife (whom she was also currently fucking) was a little outside her scope.

"Does he listen to you?"

"Um--"

"Or does he just do what he wants and then assumes you want it too?"

"We don't do much talking. It's not like--" Karen was about to say that when she was with Joshua it wasn't like how when she was with Jane. She and Jane talked a fair amount, actually--more than she had than with almost any other person she had ever slept with but she didn't want to say this because she didn't want to give Jane an idea that this was special. That this was _anything_ so she clamped her mouth shut.

"Not like us, you mean?" Jane supplied anyway. (Shit, Karen thought). "I know." Somehow this knowledge that Jane was assuming seemed to be the thing she'd been longing to hear. So she finally shut up and gazed at the stars again for a long while until Karen said she was cold and they walked back to the car. 

The drive back was silent but when they reached the Community, as Karen pulled on the door handle, Jane said, "You're special to me, too, I want you to know that." Karen wanted to say that Jane was assuming an awful lot of crap about Karen's feelings but she just said, "Okay," and hurried away from that Honda which she was beginning to associate with uncomfortable conversations and resentful confusion.

Jane called after her, "I'll see you at the ice skating party on Saturday night!"

Oh, fuck, that stupid skating party the Community had been planning for what felt like forever (they talked about it all the fucking time). Karen didn't turn around to say she'd be there. She felt like giving Jane the finger, actually. But she just waved her hand and didn't reply. When she entered the house, for the first time she felt relieved to be there. It wasn't home but at least she knew where she stood inside it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this has taken so massively long and that it's a short chapter! I have big plans to finish this fic before the end of the year (I think it'll be about two more chapters) but I had big plans to finish it by the end of November, so...I'm gonna do my best is what I'm saying.
> 
> Any feedback is much appreciated--it's always difficult coming back to a story after a while and I'm not sure the tone is tracking/the characters are tracking/etc.


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